My heart is breaking. Every day brings death/new life closer to my mom. It is so difficult to talk with her now. It's like I'm pulling her back from somewhere far away. Sometimes I am not able to pull her back into reality.
Today, my tears have copiously flowed. I have not been able to stop them. They arise on their own and seem to take a life of their own. My crying has no effect on my mom. Today she is talking much less. And when she does engage in conversation she usually doesn't understand what is being said.
Amiee from hospice called this evening to check up on mom. She is going to talk with the doctor and see if we should begin liquid morphine. Mom has a doctor's appointment next week on Wednesday. I wonder if she will even be around then.
My mom has lived a life of pain most of her adult life. I'm so sorry that she is having to die in pain. My consolation is in the twinkling of an eye when death occurs she will step into life eternal with her Lord and Savior, free of pain for ever more. I have wished on many occasions I could turn the clock back to August 19th, the day before her fall. We had such a good day celebrating her birthday a day early with the ladies from church.
Maybe, in the deep recesses of my heart, I had an inkling that nothing would be the same again. However, I probably kept telling myself, over and over again, that it would still be...alright. And, deep down in the very fiber of my being, I know, that even now, things are alright. In fact, they are nearing perfection for Mom. It's just us who are left behind.
How grateful I am that we have assurance on where Mom will be. That brings a comfort to my heart, but more importantly it brings peace to my soul knowing that my family will all be together again one day. So even in the midst of my tears of grief, there is great rejoicing. Hallelujah! He is Risen! And because of Mom's trust in Him she will be too!