Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Numb...but not numb enough....

My heart is breaking. Every day brings death/new life closer to my mom. It is so difficult to talk with her now. It's like I'm pulling her back from somewhere far away. Sometimes I am not able to pull her back into reality.

Today, my tears have copiously flowed. I have not been able to stop them. They arise on their own and seem to take a life of their own. My crying has no effect on my mom. Today she is talking much less. And when she does engage in conversation she usually doesn't understand what is being said.

Amiee from hospice called this evening to check up on mom. She is going to talk with the doctor and see if we should begin liquid morphine. Mom has a doctor's appointment next week on Wednesday. I wonder if she will even be around then.

My mom has lived a life of pain most of her adult life. I'm so sorry that she is having to die in pain. My consolation is in the twinkling of an eye when death occurs she will step into life eternal with her Lord and Savior, free of pain for ever more. I have wished on many occasions I could turn the clock back to August 19th, the day before her fall. We had such a good day celebrating her birthday a day early with the ladies from church.

Maybe, in the deep recesses of my heart, I had an inkling that nothing would be the same again. However, I probably kept telling myself, over and over again, that it would still be...alright. And, deep down in the very fiber of my being, I know, that even now, things are alright. In fact, they are nearing perfection for Mom. It's just us who are left behind.

How grateful I am that we have assurance on where Mom will be. That brings a comfort to my heart, but more importantly it brings peace to my soul knowing that my family will all be together again one day. So even in the midst of my tears of grief, there is great rejoicing. Hallelujah! He is Risen! And because of Mom's trust in Him she will be too!

8 comments:

Saija said...

just wanted you to know Claire, that i have been coming by to read, though not always comment ... my heart just goes out to you ...

and through it all - i have heard your faith speak loud and clear -

death can never vanquish a believer, since Christ has conquired it - once, for us all ...

"dear Lord, i ask for comfort for Claire's mom - for the pain to ease up - and for the whole family to feel Your everlasting arms around them ... "

David Warren Fisher said...

Eternal God, I come to You in Jesus' name on behalf of my friend Claire. Enfold her in Your everlasting arms as she goes through this horrific time waiting for her mother to go "home". Please give her Your strength as she waits on You. Come alongside her mother and whisper "peace" to her. Assure her of her eternal destination at Your right hand. Give her bold courage to look "the final enemy" in the face. Thank You that in all these things we are more than conquerors. Thank You Father for your comfort for Claire and her family. Protect Pilot as he serves his country. Thanks again that we can come to You at any time through Your Son, Jesus Christ.

AMEN!

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

God bless you
Maria in the UK
www.inhishands.co.uk

Here are the lyrics from a Christian song:

When The Tears Fall Lyrics

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
And I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

Oh yes, You are good to me
You've always been good to me
So trustworthy

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, and I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You (I will sing to You)
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

How faithful and true
Sustain me through and through
You are hope and truth
You’re my spring of living water
You’re my spring of living water

In the lone hour You are there

Whose springs never fail
Be faithful and true
Like a spring it never fails
You're my spring it never fails

HeyJules said...

Oh how I wish I could be there with you!

Father, bring comfort to this family as they prepare for Ilene to move from this world into the one that waits for her. Let there be great rejoicing as she walks across to find her Savior and loved ones waiting for her.

Father, hold close to Claire and her family here - comfort them in their time of need and let them rest safe in your arms.

I ask these things in Jesus'name, amen.

Dave said...

Father God, in Jesus' name, I humbly ask that you will draw close to Claire and her family at this time. I pray that her mom will know your peace at this time.....oh Father God you are our rock and our salvation. We praise you and we give you thanks.

LJ said...

Claire, I've only just today caught up on what's going on for you and your family. I can only re-iterate what everyone else here has prayed. Huge hugs and all my love and prayers . LJ

G~ said...

:*( i'm so so sorry claire.

wish i could do something, sweet one.

know you're in my thoughts & prayers.

Mountain Mama said...

God bless you dear. My heart feels your pain.
It will be better with the morphine, get it started as soon as possible.
Prayers and lots of big hugs.
Thank God we have the peace of knowing that Angels will take her directly into the arms of the Lord.