Friday, I was thrown a bombshell by something which occured on Tuesday, the 20th. Friday morning I looked at the all familiar verses in Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious for about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I read those verses and thought to myself, "Wow, for once I can honestly say I am not anxious about anything. I'm beginning to get well, my Mom is with the Lord, everything is going great with Pilot, yada, yada, yada."
Fast forward a few hours and I'm sitting in the doctor's office getting checked out for my right arm and hand "going to sleep." You know, that tingling feeling where you shake your arm or hand and normal feeling resumes. In my case "normal" didn't resume, and still hasn't fully.
I begin telling the doctor what happened and why I think it may be diabetic related, or possibly a pinched nerve, etc... He checks me out and then drops the bomb, "I think you have had a small stroke."
My first thought, "What a difference a couple of hours make."
My second thought which I verbalized, "But I felt this, whereas with my other two strokes I didn't feel anything....no pain, no discomfort etc, I just couldn't get my arm and hand to do what my brain was telling it to do. I did/do have hypersensitivity after the strokes, but not while the strokes were happening." Let me explain so others can know, you may or may not experience sensations when you are experiencing a stroke. I guess that is why they have those letters behind their names, M.D. I don't have those letters.
I felt/feel like a walking time bomb, just waiting to go off. There really isn't anything I can do. Well, yes, I can eat right and exercise, etc but, let's get real here. If a blog clot decides to break off and float along, I have no control over that! None!
They say if you have had a small stroke you can expect a big one to follow shortly after. Of course, the longer you go without experiencing a big one the chances begin to diminish somewhat. It has been five years since my last one. Now, I go through the waiting cycle again. That's where one feels like anything could happen.
I have hung on to the Philippians verses like a life line. And there are others which are enabling me to feel more stable, not so "tossed" to and fro. I know that He desires the very best for me and if that equates to having another stroke...then so be it. I will "dwell in the shelter of the Most High and rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust" (Ps. 91:1-2). "I lift up my eyes to the hills---where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth" (Ps. 121-2).
"Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten you law. Defend my cause and redeem me; preserve my life according to your promise" (Ps. 119:153-154).
Regardless of what He has in store for me, I pray that He will be glorified. May every thought I think and every word I utter, be edifying to those around me, and honoring to Him in all ways. I trust Him when I am fearful. I rest in Him for my peace. I delight in Him because He has saved me. ME!!! I cannot fathom it, but I am ever so grateful He did.
In the meantime I, like Paul look to Him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:9-10).